How “Toy Story 4” Helped Me Grieve

Before starting this post, I want to give some shout-outs:

To Ben, Nick, Lexie, Nathan, Angel, Noah, Ryan, Mycah: Thank you for being amazing fellow TCD student leaders. I am honored to have worked with you all. 

To Alyx, Lexie (again), Trinity and Devin: Thank you for your willingness to lead. I am so proud of you four. 

To Manon: Thanks for making us journal digitally for Acting 2. 

To Ryan (again): Thanks for letting me emotionally vomit on you about this movie. 

 

I’ve been avoiding watching “Toy Story 4” for a really long time. I thought that the third movie was perfect and the fact that they made a fourth one was just a cash grab. I love Pixar, but I did not go out of my way to watch this movie. In fact, I low-key boycotted it. I was irritated when the trailer dropped and refused to spend money on a ticket to see it in theaters. 

It’s a Thursday night, one of my only nights at home with my family since I work evening shifts in the midst of Covid-19. We decided that we would watch something in Disney+, but we were slightly indecisive. I had suggested “Lady and the Tramp” or “Toy Story 4,” and Dad was in a Pixar mood, so the toys won out. I don’t know what I threw out the movie I had been avoiding for so long, but we all sat down to see what it was all about. 

For some context, I’ve been working 32-38ish hour weeks at the grocery store the past three weeks instead of doing school and theatre full time like I used to before the pandemic hit. On top of this, I also teach five students music lessons and online art classes on occasion. Oh, I’m also planning my wedding that will hopefully still take place in August. There’s a lot happening, so I haven’t fully processed the grief I’ve had festering for a while. Now, I thought I had gone through my grieving process and that it was done and over. I wouldn’t deal with it again, right? I had sobbed when I left the dorm I had lived in for two years. I held onto Sweet Ben when we heard the news of our final show at Missouri Western being canceled. I took long, tear-filled walks on the days I got emails telling me every internship/job I had applied for post-graduation had been suspended until late 2020 or 2021. I had gotten it all out with several cries. The grieving process was something I could check off my list.  

 

Ha. Ha ha ha. Silly me for thinking the grief had passed. 

 

On the day I’m writing this, I slept through a Zoom meeting with my theatre honor society where we announced the new E-Board for next year, which set me off on a very long, emotional evening. I had taught for three hours that morning and spent another two hours on homework, so my brain was fried. A 20 minute nap turned into an hour and a half, which led to me missing the meeting and crying on the kitchen floor for about fifteen minutes before eating dinner. I was angry with myself for sleeping through something that I was in leadership for and had a terribly hard time getting to a point where I was not beating myself up. I was embarrassed and was angry that I had switched off my alarm for something I had been looking forward to that whole day. But you know what? It was a 15 minute meeting. It was not the end of the world. But for me, it was a “last” that I missed. (Wow, tearing up again while writing this.)

An hour after this mini-depressive episode, we started watching the movie. It was fun to understand the context of the memes that have been circling around for a while and geek out over the gorgeous animation. BUT HOLY COW WOW WOW WOW I DIDN’T EXPECT FOR THIS FILM TO RIP MY HEART OUT. 

Without trying to drop too many spoilers, this movie sums up exactly how I am feeling about leaving the undergrad years. Woody, who is the protagonist across all four of these movies, is trying desperately to fulfill his purpose of being a toy by taking care of all the people around him. In doing this though, he sometimes forces what he thinks is correct instead of letting things naturally play out. You can even see how exhausted it makes him, but he keeps pushing through because of his love for his fellow toys and his kid. 

MAJOR SPOILER COMING IN THE MOST VAGUE WAY I CAN POSSIBLY WRITE IT BUT IF YOU DON’T WANT ANY SPOILERS WHATSOEVER SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH! 

*****************In the end, a choice is made that shows that these films truly were Woody’s story, not Andy’s. It shows that leaders can move on from what/who they once loved to new stages of life that could be much more fulfilling, even though it is majorly bittersweet. There were so many moments in the third act of this movie that I was thinking, “Oh my gosh, this exactly how I am feeling about leaving school.” In the end, Woody got the best happy ending for him, even though it meant leaving his previous normal.************************

 

(Spoilers done)

 

In the midst of this surreal time, Ben and my two other E-Board members, Lexie and Nick, have been working hard to set up the up and coming leaders for success in this coming year. Three of the four of us are graduating, leaving Lexie with a brand new team of bright, talented and thoughtful leaders, all of whom were freshmen this past year. There was a lot of anxiety in the first few weeks of this mess of who was going to step up, but across our organizations for theatre and film, there is a rise of leaders who will carry on with the work the upperclassmen started. I have full confidence in the students who were voted into leadership and those who will continue to lead without the title. It has been a blessing to see the students I got the opportunity to love and pour into over the past few months step up to the plate, and I know they will be wonderful. 

Moving on is so hard. A year ago, the mega-scary-depressed version of me would have been relieved that the rest of the school year had been canceled, but now, it’s so hard to say good-bye because of how wonderful the last seven months have been. But I believe that while college was a great thing, I am moving on to an even better adventure. It doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye, but there is comfort in knowing that the things are being taken care of by some awesome people. Good leaders understand when they have trained other leaders that it’s okay for them to move on so that those new leaders can take the reins. I believe that the senior class helped raise up some awesome underclassmen this year. We can rest easy knowing that even better times are to come, even when things look uncertain. 

Thanks to “Toy Story 4,” I started to truly process my grief of my senior year being cut short. Is the process over? No, and it will probably take a long time to get through it. But now, I know that there’s at least one cowboy out there who understands the exact feelings I am wrestling with. If you haven’t watched this movie year, I highly suggest that you give this underrated film a watch. Is it perfect? No. But it’s a film I desperately needed in this weird time we know as April 2020. 

 

Until Next Time,

Abby

 

 

 

Pro Tips for Grocery Shopping During a Pandemic

Ever since this pandemic kicked me off campus and canceled all of my theatre jobs, I decided to get a job at a grocery store. The last time I worked an eight hour shift that didn’t involve being in a theater was in high school when I was working weddings. In a few weeks, I’ve gone from being a full time student to working about 36 hours a week pulling groceries for online orders, sorting crates, and delivering purchases to customers’ cars. It hasn’t been a huge amount of time, but I’ve picked up a lot of insight on what it’s like for employees dealing with their everyday work life.

On top of this, I’ve seen how hard it can be when stores are dealing with high stress situations. In normal circumstances, there are usually certain times of the day that are when things are rough on employees, sort of like a rush hour. However, if you haven’t heard yet, the world is dealing with this really weird pandemic, which means that people are panicking. When people panic, it tends to make mundane tasks like grocery shopping a lot more difficult. To combat this craziness, I have comprised a list of Ten Pro Tips to help you have a successful grocery run. 

 

• Keep a two week stock pile in your house and try and go back to the store every few days to refresh it. This is a tip I learned from my future in-laws who are currently living in Italy for Ben’s momma’s work (yeah, they’ve been in much stricter lock-down a lot longer than we have). Fill your grocery cart ONCE with a huge stock pile, then try and go back every few days to restock a few things. This keeps you from having to hull a bunch of groceries every few weeks and gives you a better chance of getting the things you’d like. 

• Even if you aren’t as spooked, please respect social distancing. Fun fact: employees are told to mega respect social distancing, as in, we could get in trouble if we don’t abide by it. Keep this in mind, as well as the fact that other people are more anxious about this situation than you might be. 

• Go early, and don’t get upset at grocery workers when you can’t find what you came to get right before they are about to close. The store I work at tries to restock throughout the day, but it’s really hard to keep things like eggs and toilet paper on the shelves. Do yourself a favor and go early in the day so you can get what you need! 

• Unless you have a household with more than six people and you all drink milk every day, you don’t need to get three gallons of milk. Milk expires, y’all. 

• If it’s cold outside, dress warmly, because you might be standing outside for a bit. A lot of stores are starting to limit the number of people that come into a store, which means that you might have to wait outside for a bit. 

• Wear a mask if you are dealing with cough (even if it’s a cough that is being caused by seasonal allergies.) It’s not fun when you’re a cashier and have a customer cough in your area. It’ll put everyone else at ease. 

• Make sure you wash any produce you buy right when you get home. This is just a rule of life in general to follow, more than likely a lot of people have touched the fruits and veggies you just bought. Go give them a good rinse and a scrub once you get home with you haul. 

• Please just go by yourself. I know your husband gets side-tracked while shopping and it’s helpful when you go with him, but please try to limit the number of people per household going to the store to one person. This allows more people to be in the store and more families across the board being able to get what they need. Now, there are some cases where it is not possible (single moms with kiddos, for example) but if it is doable for your household, please follow this tip. 

• Check smaller stores for toilet paper. Big stores run out a lot faster than smaller stores. CVS, Walgreens, even gas stations; try there if your favorite chain store is out. 

• If you have a senior citizen or immunocompromised friend in your life, offer to go shopping for them.  Take the time to serve people who are a higher risk than you by going shopping for them. It’s a task that can bless someone’s home and might keep them safe from this nasty illness. 

 

 

Stay safe out there, friends. I know I am personally struggling a lot to hang onto joy during this wacky time, but this will end at some point. Let me know if you have any tips that I didn’t mention here!

 

Until Next Time, 

Abby